I think I’ve misunderstood child-rearing a tad, at least on the topic of social growth. The argument in my head usually runs, “I never had ____ newest video games, so I couldn’t ever talk, trade, socialize over them.” The obvious conclusion is that a good parent will (even must for their child’s development) buy, buy, buy. Not so much that the parents keep up with the Jones’ as much as their children must.

But I never liked that conclusion. And perhaps it’s because I’d be leaving socialization in the hands of my kids’ mean, bratty peers. Not just socialization, but their self-worth. Bingo. That’s what’s going on here.

Self-worth : good social skills :: chicken : the egg.

That is to say, which comes first? A child’s self-worth is built in his own terms (concrete thinking). I’ve mentioned this before on other terms: a child will most likely hold to his parents value system so long as he sees the worth in that system through providing for his basic needs of food, clothing, shelter, enjoyment of life generically.

So it seems that any child will seek out/need approval from peers when he hasn’t got it from others. This is a statement I’ve heard a million times.. applied to those who “act out” in classrooms. But what about the kid like me who just sat quiet because he had a sense of authority? He still needs validation, and a 1/30 ratio isn’t enough from the teacher, and without ‘tools’ to socialize over, he isn’t getting it from the last-resort: peers.

I suppose I’m suggesting a priority of how a child builds self-confidence. Probably somewhere in line between Maslow and Bronfenbrenner. Families with more kids have more brothers and sisters to socialize around. When someone wants to play a game, there’s a higher chance that he’ll have another to play with than with a child who has a younger sister only. And in that asking “hey, ya wanna play ____?” self confidence is built. “Another thinks I have a good idea!”

Parents, being in your microsystem, have a lot of influence, but they often cannot give enough, lest their child become authoritarian-addicted. A child with a multiplicity of relational types will have a bettr foundation than a self-confidence built solely around older authorities. (Fact of life: not everyone around you is your authority! Whoa!) Hence my analogy with “Fathers, Brothers, Sons.” All 3 are requisite, and not just in your mid-early 20′s when I realized it.