It’s no surprise that this world takes some up-keep. Few things ‘just work’, and that certainly goes for life and the daily hassles therein, be it traffic to simple forgetfulness to emotion distress that stops us from anything remotely responsible or enjoyable.

This up-keep that is needed is a healthy aggression often labeled pro-activity or responsibility among other titles. But such things are hardly what we as full human beings want or expect out of life. Don’t get me wrong, life certainly includes continual self-giving.. but to never receive back (whether in perceived or actual form from God and/or others) is too much to bear.

Rather, in the face of all this that is required of us, we often seek that which is to us, peace. Here is where either responsibility or addictions take root. For what is peace? Has it more similarity to non-motion, inactivity or unmovedness than to activity? If peace is simply the ‘hassle-free life’, then non-motion it is. But what of relational peace? Will unmovedness suffice? Clearly not: a united mind, affection and action bring peace in that realm. Perhaps peace is to be a stoic or eastern hassle-is-as-no-hassle, betraying any true emotion in me..

I find all ‘answers’ entirely weak in light of the goodness found in renewal. Would I rather sit in unmoved fashion bitter and sulking at the cruel world around? Sure it may feel right and true for a while, but not for a lifetime. Rather, what I find in my days is so much hope and energy in the morning, and fear of the day’s work taking it all away before I can get to my true loves in life: thinking, writing, music, friends and my soon-to-be wife. These good things are part of what God has built me for.. they are good things, requiring of me. They require motion. And in good Aristotelian fashion, this motion towards them must overcome the daily stresses. This is peace.

But I’m not sure how that overcoming goes down. I know there’s something scary about human resiliency. We just won’t give up. We can, but quite often we don’t. Simple pride is enough for some, if you’ve normalized to a culture of it. But pride seems to be an all or nothing thing: if I have too much, it will drive me. If I instead take on humility, then I find myself less worn-thin, and having more energy. But If I try for the middle-lands, assuming and controlling over some small domain, then I’m worn out, seeking to regain control over something else, or nothing at all: numbness & apathy.

Peace is not the numbness from all of the external forces beating on me. Peace is not the apathy which comes either. Peace is overcoming this numbness and apathy of self-defined & controlled life of knowing-what-I-can-handle and instead being reminded and re-associated, familiarized again to truth and love. Allowing self to experience when experience has only brought hurt and frustration and tiredness and be influenced towards the foundation of this world and beyond it. Hope of goodness.

Peace is then tied to humility. And humility is enjoyment, quite near to love which moves: responsibility. That’s my taxonomy.

My trouble? I become so embedded in the day.. making me smaller than human, and less near to goodness, hope, love and truth.

I hope I’m like everyone else, randomly assaulted by my own memory not only of choices I’ve made, but events which have happened to me which (no matter their insignificance) bring a style of fear and anxiety and self-worthlessness usually called “regret”.

I’ve heard all along (from perfectionists) that I ought live under God’s lead, so that I might live a perfect life here, as an example of God’s goodness for unbelievers; a life of no regret. Aside from the mediate teleology of that idea, I’ve got to bring out a fallacy in there. The assumption is usually that all sin = regret. While this is true in all forms, all regrets are not about sinful action on my part. I’m quite sure I could go through the Bible and my own life and find plenty of even God-directed tasks which turned up regret within the person’s life. Even more, even if I couldn’t find such a list, no one man is perfect to follow God’s leading his whole life. Furthermore, even if one did, there would be regret over being in circumstances where one was mocked (by sinful humanity) for God-directed activities, and that itself can bring regret- focusing on the God-designed power of society to build up or tear down our self worth.

Now, such regret is usually understood to put a damper on future initiative attempts. Certainly among those purporting to always be lead by God, any young fellow would have a hard time stepping forward in action unless he had strong confidence in God’s leading of him. But this is at odds with how God works. Once again, humanity’s interest and desire and rationality have undermined a life. How many of us have, for fear of fear, not initiated an action or conversation.

After this week’s sermon at Augusta’s The Well on Nehemiah 4, which brought out that we ought “build and defend” in a way to use trouble/pain to focus us rather than deter us from God’s mission, I’ve got to wonder, upon each occasion for regret and feelings of lowered self worth, there would have to be a corresponding reality which brings resolution to my fears of the past, and lightens my concern over present fears. Biblically, this resolution is always and forever 1 John 4: a return to love and it’s source. Nehemiah had a similar statement: “Do not be afraid of them. Remember the Lord, great and awesome, and fight for your brethren, your sons, your daughters, your wives, and your houses.” And what of the Lord? Is He not love? And is his love not shown towards us?

As hard as I try to avoid it, I’m coming to admit I don’t understand people. We’re such a… half-woven, tattered, patched together cloth that’s been on spin-cycle for waaaaaay too long. And as far as I can tell, it’s all related to our loves. Just what we fall for, what we protect (so violently!!) what we choose over another. I used to think it was more about what forces acted upon us, or within us.. and those ARE important when we’re so unsure of ourselves. Then there’s all the yuppies.. over-confident.. sickeningly so that they can’t hold themselves down long enough to DO anything. Or all the protectionists.. too afraid to admit to anything else, or to go and do anything else.

Seriously. I could diagnose half the world and tell ‘em what to do/change or what they needed. If knowledge is what they lacked, we’d be done a long time ago. Knowledge is what is lacking often, but you can’t give people knowledge (wisdom). They have to want it. And you can’t make ‘em drink. Salt-lick marketing anyone?

Seriously? I think what life ends up being is you happening to find some people who you’d like to have hope in/for & push ‘em when ya can & keep up with ‘em until then. Or meet new people that show you how you suck– in a healthy way, exposing unadmitted/forgotten weaknesses, etc.

Life is so very loose-knit.. it’s really amazing anything happens.

Mom once told me that she tried to raise me and my sister without worry or fear of whether we’d have enough food or clothing.. maintaining a certain level of childhood innocence.

Such an idea is lost on the past few generations — allowing their children to watch the full-on violence and sex in ‘R’ movies. Talk about taboo to my 9yr old mind!

But this is no posting about child psych.

Rather, somewhere along the way my concept of reality wasn’t sufficient. I realized wholly lacking in my perspective was any idea of battle or fighting. This is rapidly a problem in the ‘real world’; not all fighting is bad. Bingo. That’s the emasculating idea that many of us were raised under. All fighting is bad. There is no reason for battles. Lies. Insufficient Lies.

There is a battle raging around us. This is clear historical Christian teaching. Likewise, to not take sides in this battle is to be taken out. But our identity as soldiers is not concrete nor in solitude. Soldiers exist to protect all the art of life and civility that we all so deeply want. The soldiers life is one of the hardest; he is like a stone wall the external fire rages against, yet the other side of this wall, the children play, the baby feels fully secure.

Full knowledge of suffering

So this is life, and the reality lived in. Like it or not, it holds powers over you and I.. life, death, pain, joy. We are all a ruddy bunch of addicts, the most of us. All trying to posture and pose to maximize the joy and life or minimize the death of pain.

Call me crazy, but that sounds shallow. Why would we admire those who come out on top of suffering? Why do so many storylines have trouble in them? There’s a growing majority of the masses which seem happy being addicted & shallow — filling the gap between the happiness reality can provide and the happiness they expect.

It’s just that: what baseline of pleasure and pain do you or I expect to take on in any given week ..day? How far do we expect people to screw us over? Not to live in paranoia or fear, but to be taken in surprise at the pain of this life doesn’t seem so great an idea either.

4.12: do not be astonished that a trial by fire is occurring among you, as though something strange were happening to you

This is not prosperity! This is life, and it hurts. The term suffering contains more than direct persecution — beatings, jailings, and the self-focused question of “would i be able to endure?” Fact is, we are left in this world, under the reign of the enemy’s darkness, and under the pressure of divine teaching. Reality: suffering. And it’s this painful reality of ours that isn’t left alone. Jesus (God).. suffered. What ought I expect? And what posture ought I have towards all the marketing of modern idealism? There used to be a great term for this: plastic. Used for any and all things cheap and fake. Good term. I can’t find a reference for this usage, but I think it was part of the 60′s hippie reaction.

Deep

So many think they’re being ‘deep’.. or bitter-cynical-self-justifying-liberal when they ask, “Why all the pain in this world?” Or more directed at the personal: “Why doesn’t God stop all this pain?” I’m not so convinced this question (even if it were unanswerable) to be worthy to self-justify. Or satisfy.

I can’t say I’m a mystic about much, but I must admit there’s something deeply reasonable and satisfying to hold that reality now is full of suffering, that it’s for all of our best (if not for sorting us all out!).. There’s something amazing about these verses:

what will be the fate of those who are disobedient to the gospel of God?¹⁸And if the righteous are barely saved, what will become of the ungodly and sinners?¹⁹So then let those who suffer according to the will of God entrust their souls to a faithful Creator as they do good.

Pain is planned.. woven in the fabric of the lives we’ve got. Pain is worthy of trust.. not in itself, but worthy of bringing out trust in us.

Love is so sweet because of suffering..
Suffering is made bearable only with love.

This past Sunday’s liturgy involved the confession of misuse of intellect and imagination. My mind has been working underground on that generic idea since, and with luck, here we have a post.

As a child, I could not stand scary movies. (As an aside, I couldn’t stand the suspense of mystery novels either!) I could never walk up the stairs to my room, or from the basement– I’d have to run. Fear. A compulsion that ghosts or scary things were after me. If it was dark, and if I had my back turned, then they were there! I’ve called it childish and irrational, and tried my best over the past 15 yrs to keep my cool, with limited success.

In another vein, the past few years have made me aware of my disinterest in fantasy novels or movies.. Fantasy as in sci-fi or anything with gnomes, fairies, unicorns, orks, trees that walk or talk (no matter how many boulders they throw), wizards, etc. No LOTR or Narnia for me.

As for exhibit ‘C’ toward my non-standard imagination, my childhood was filled with two things: Dinosaurs and Legos. (Note the glaring lack of comic books like most boys). My childhood was not taken over my narrative or storyline of any sort. I still don’t read novels like many adults do, be it Harry Potter or Ted Dekker (Here’s to you Tim!). Rather I was caught up the the amazement of the granduer of dinosaurs, of the reality of another time, and of construction and interworkings of pieces of any sort– stretching them to their limit.

My imagination was non-narrative, but instead, constructivist and ideological, if not mechanical. Any wonder why I now take interest in contental philosophy? Sure I enjoy logic, but I’m not a pure analytic in my approach. I like considering the large ideas at play within the masses.. perhaps my world is a world of lego-men after all!

But tonight after watching a zombie-filled movie, as I walked from shadowy room to shadowy room in the winter dark, I was struck by this idea of imagination: My mind is strong, and it seems to project the non-real into reality. My mind is unable to make monsters appear before me and others like true wizardry, but for all intents and purposes, my mind is overactive enough to make me believe )behave) as if I could be attacked out of nowhere.

Take this into another realm.. many have trouble with depression, OCD or even trusting others. Is this simply a matter of having a strong, overactive mind projecting issues and concerns into one’s reality which are not? A matter of having the mind “push back” instead of simply being a tool to process and understand? Imagination running wild of a new sort?

Or again, all the ideologies in the world, from Democritus’ atoms, Descartes’ reality, Kant’s Phenomenology, Hegel’s history, Modernism’s dream, Christianity’s hope of a New Heaven and Earth, Nirvana, even Hindu castes.. these are all strictly in the category of imagination. The one difference would be whether any one of these dreams were to pan out. Just because something is unseen does not make it imaginary, but as well, to live in a presumed imaginary world which ends up being reality, that would not be so foolish of the faithful.

And precisely the point: the faithful trust that reality is more in line with their imagination than what is commonly held. This can lead to discrepency over the logical outcome of lifestyles given what is or is not included and prioritized in the ideology. This idea of faithfulness is also consistent with the requirement to “remember the dream.”

A Disciplined mind.
Something I don’t hear mentioned often is disciplining the mind. Discipline, in general, is spoken of, perhaps only in reference to one’s will or perhaps emotions, but training one’s mind to swap between reality and imagination would seem to be of use, for avoiding mental illness, as well as keeping faithfulness.

Need I say more? Such a great phrase for the indulgent! (Note: gluttony as a deadly sin!) A quick review of the singular english word in the Bible will reveal it’s association with laziness and poverty.

Now, for the emotional gluttons, who have not learned emotional control, the end can be quite the same. As to a more precise definition, is it simply, “wanting what’s ‘not allowed’”, with “not allowed” as determined by God primarily, who has rulership over all this world, who sets up authorities over us, against whom we prefer to rail.

He has set up even our own souls which operate and function best within certain parameters.. one is absolute love over fear or paranoia. 1 Jn 4 so well clarifies this. But how we wish our souls were designed differently, according to our own desires, that we should not be bound by a deep sadness or unsettledness despite our actions and choices of what to desire..

So in our dream-world of wishing our own souls to be of different composition, we run from love and hope still for peace. The love of God is so very capable of bringing peace, for the one who IS love, is also peace’s prince!

Coming to grips with our own souls’ anatomy & dietary requirements can *so* be a guide unto the truth of absolute love, when we’re sick of our soul-sick hangovers from our gorging into emotional and physical delicacies..

And this is the soulish behaviour all parents wish their children to avoid. Oddly enough, they may be fully against their child ACTUALLY going about being a glutton of food, time, money and lovers, but what of the same activities going on in the soul of their child? But it is not the place for us to barge in with claw and nail into the heart of another, seeking the witch to burn, the heretic to stone. Such activities must be undertaken by the soul’s own keeper not the parent or pastor. Exterior to the self can only remain exterior, and the work of burning heretics of our hearts and amputation of mis-fed, diseased portions of our heart can only be done by the One who is internal.. So with 1 John 4:12-13 I confess, “we know that we abide in Him, and He in us, because He has given us of His Spirit” and that Spirit is able to bring about in us love for one another, which is His love perfected in us.

So to all the gluttons out there, come to the one who, as “the friend of sinners” was himself considered a glutton(Luke 7), yet did “not come to call the righteous, but sinners, to repentance.” He’s there to help, He’s sent his Spirit to help. Why wrestle yourself alone..

So I’m reading a few chapters of his ‘Confessions’ each morning.. this one from Chapter 9 caught my attention:

For will any common sense observer agree that I was rightly punished as a boy for
playing ball–just because this hindered me from learning more quickly those
lessons by means of which, as a man, I could play at more shameful games? And did
he by whom I was beaten do anything different? When he was worsted in some
small controversy with a fellow teacher, he was more tormented by anger and envy
than I was when beaten by a playmate in the ball game.

Hmm.. sounds about right, eh?

So I fight to get my paper written, and I think I noticed why.

It’s said that men are able to compartmentalize their lives and emotions, whereas women, due to differing hormones that affect brain development, are prone to having “one big pile” of everything that is going on. Surely both genders feel both at various times, but that being the larger theme.

So I start my day in one type of mindset (functional): waking, moving, shaving, showering, eating. And I move to another mindset once those operations are off the check-list, usually the question of, “Ok, what’s going on today? ..in my soul and in my life?” And I startup the conversation with God. But that is a change of mindset. And there’s some inertia there, inside my own brain. Then I have to start my day, go to class, start working on work or schoolwork. If it’s reading or listening, that’s not terribly hard, but still, I do feel a change must occur in my head. I understand my brain to be set in a certain direction, and that I need to say, “stop. turn over here.” but the ‘turn over here’ doesn’t work unless I keep telling myself that for awhile until it’s now rolling on that new track. And when it comes to paper-writing, if I’m already started, it’s easier to get myself back on that track.

update: apparently there’s more truth to this than i knew..